Playful and positive upbringing of a child – part 1.

Recently, many of us have spent more time with children than is usual. You might have realized some things about upbringing, which you have not paid much attention to before. For some of us, this situation took off our rose-colored glasses. We have seen with our own eyes, that the child as well as our ability to raise them, still have plenty of room for improvement😊.

Playful and positive upbringing of a child...who wouldn´t want that?

But how do we deal with such things as: demanding attention, nails biting, nose scratching, messy room, enuresis, aggression, audacity, pickiness in eating, fear of the dark and other fears, excessive noise, shyness and timidness, lateness, impatience, lack of concentration, seizures and emotional outbursts, teasing and poisoning other children, being the first and the best at all costs, disrespecting the needs of others, weak empathy?

There is a lot of tutorials and instructions everywhere, but less functional solutions. Who has the nerve to try all those tutorials? In addition, we are convinced, that our child and our situation are absolutely unique ...

Yes, you are right. It's not easy, and I'm afraid the trial-and-error method will probably never go out of style. There are various ways to solve a child's problems. But we will focus on those that do not focus on problems. What do I mean? I'll explain right away.

We probably all know how hard it is to get rid of a bad habit. I’ve, for example, always learned faster to play a brand-new song rather than unlearned the wrong way of playing an old song. In order to eliminate the bad habit (problem), you need to first unwind it from the brain threads. And only then start to wind the new one in the right way. On the other hand, while building a whole new habit, you are free from the first phase (unwinding) 😊. We can use a similar approach in raising children.

We don't have to focus so much on the child's problem itself. We will focus on building what we want to achieve instead.

The problem represents an opportunity to learn a new experience that is not yet developed or is still lacking in the child. And it is thanks to this new experience that the problem will actually be solved, or actually ceases to exist. We use the child's natural tendency to learn new things (also applies to adults). The child has an excellent predisposition to learning, it is like a sponge (unfortunately in both ways: good and bad). It is much easier for them to overcome a problem situation with newly acquired skill than a detailed analysis of their problems and failures. Because one rule applies:

What we pay attention to, grows.

Therefore, by improperly pointing out their shortcomings or failures, we actually inadvertently plant them into the child. Each of us has probably realised that not imagining a pink elephant is not the best strategy for not imagining it😊. It is much more appropriate to fill the contents of the mind with something completely different (e.g. a green field) than to worry about not imagining what we do not want to imagine.

Problem analysis - such as: Why did you do that? What led you to this? Since when do you do it? Why can't you calm down? What's so hard about it? Where did you learn this? Who did you get it from? Again? ... and many others do not create pleasant feelings.

Moreover, it is possible that this makes the child an expert on his problems and not an expert in solving them. So, if we want to analyse something, we prefer to analyse their success. "Let's catch him" doing something what we actually want him to do even more.

Parent as a detective of success.

This will increase their self-confidence and fixation on what the child is already doing (it will increase the probability to continue doing it). In addition, the child will understand that you are not only aware of his missteps, but you are also aware of his achievements and positive aspects.

Attention - however, there is no need to wait for a great, grandiose success! It might never come😊 It is useful to capture even small positive changes in behaviour. That's when our curious questions work in favour of deepening their expertise to solve: I noticed that ... Excellent ... how did you do it? I appreciate that ... I was impressed by ... How did you do that? What was the hardest part? How long did it take you?

It is not necessary to praise all the time (I will write about the art of praise in my next blog). More important than praise is our curiosity and attention. Our sincere curious questions not only give the child so much desired attention, but also help him realize "how" they managed it. Then they could repeat it later and possibly apply it to another situation.

Our attention (our observation skill or mindfulness) is a necessary condition for this to happen. Because we can only praise and highlight what we notice. This skill needs to be cultivated especially for cases where it seems difficult to find something positive. But there is always something going on. Nothing is constantly the same, it's just a matter of whether we are able to capture those small changes and blow out the small sparks into a bigger fire.

Braňo Hromada – Coach & Trainer